Credit Nick Saglimbenikimkardashian.celebuzz.com
[L] [M] THIS BLOG MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR ALL VISITORS. THIS POST CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE AND MATURE SUBJECT MATTER. THANK YOU.
But here’s why it’s time… I was in the middle of a purrrrfectly delightful slumber, and at my age it’s not uncommon for Mother Nature to pay a call on my bladder several time a night interrupting said slumber. Those of you over age forty know exactly what I mean and those of you who aren’t will find out. “Nanny nanny poo poo! Stick your head in doo doo!” And also, as Mother Nature has a way of forcing the ways of nature to do, she used this to summon my attention once again to [insert dramatic Dragnet theme music here]. There they were. Them. The family I loathe most of all, for all the right reasons. The Kardashians, but for the remainder of this post and for legal reason, I shall refer to as “The Shmartrashians”.
Yes, America’s Royalty. Surely I jest. I WISH! We can’t get rid of them. They’re like cockroaches. And now they’re breeding faster than ever and multiplying at the command of Queen Roach herself, Mama Kartrashian, Kris Kartrashian Jenner. At the top, there’s Mama Kris, the First-Madame-Beast-Pimping-Piece-of-Crap for an excuse of a mother that is known to be! Then of course, there’s Kim; for without whom, she and the notoriety she gained from a sex tape for which she was awarded a cool $5 million dollars, there would be no Shmartrashian Empire, thanks to the brilliant marketing efforts of Mama Pimpstress Kris. As for the rest of the K-K-K Krew — Kourtney and Khloe, koincidence or not — This blogger doesn‘t think so and that‘s enough about that. Ahem… you get my drift? I’m THE most diversity embracing individual there is. I can spot phonies, posers, bigots, and people pretending to embrace diversity for miles. She’s a phony. Khloe, on the other hand, is the real deal. There’s something I just like about that girl. Maybe it’s because she’s not one of them.
Now, believe it or not I don’t really have a beef with these overly-botoxed-injected, plastic surgeon-enhanced fembots their mother produced. However, I do wonder what they would have looked like if mommy hadn’t encouraged them, or should I say, not supported their decisions to have elective surgeries at such young ages. In my opinion, it’s just fucking crazy. I mean look what happened to her wife, I mean husband. You get the point. Kourtney is just a ditz who breeds out of wedlock like everyone else these days (Glinda doesn’t judge) and has the worst taste in men. Namely, Scott Limpdick. We’ll get to him a little later.
And then there’s Rob, one of the nation’s leading douchetards, and nominated by me as Most Likely To Fail at Anything He Sets Out To Never Do. What a lazy bum! Why he’s about as lazy as that protégé brother-in-law of his, Scott Dismal, I mean, Disick. Jesus! This family makes my stomach turn in directions I didn‘t know were physiologically possible! In any event, this is actually when my story begins. I was focusing my eyes onto the television set which was still on and there he was… Blobert. He was in the kitchen stuffing his fat face with food in one scene, being criticized by his sister Kim for it in the same scene and in the very next scene as well. The very next scene takes place in another room of the mcmansion. The two of them were sitting side-by-side watching a movie while he was chowing down on a bowl of ice cream and being put-down by Kim again! Look Kim, if Fatty McPatty wants his ice cream, and to eat it too like the rest of you, let him stuff his fat face and SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY! JESUS CHRIST! Eventually he’ll just have it sucked out like the rest of you.
I do however, pity the teenage girls, Kendall, 17 and Kylie, 15, to some small degree despite the fact that apples don’t fall far from the tree. At least they have Bruce for a father, so there’s a ray of hope. But look what happened to the relationship between him and his kids from his two marriages. The first to Chrystie Crownover from which he had two children, Burt Jenner, 35 and Casey Jenner, 33. And his ex-wife Linda Thompson who gave him Brandon, 32 and Brody, 30. Just sayin’. That’s six paternal kids in all. Glinda’s thinking, SHIT! His dick must be tired!
And you know what? The two girls fathered by Kris & Bruce Jenner (Bruce, the former Olympic star turned pussy-whipped Mr. Kris Jenner) are on the fast track to their step-sisters sad lives. They are no better from what I’ve watched and read, not that it’s any fault of their own since they’re just kids. But it’s sad because in this case they are a product of their environment and they will become their mother, the queen of that environment unless someone saves them before it’s too late. God only knows it’s already too late for the older three half-sisters. And the only one in that trio that makes a bit of sense is Khloe and that’s because I’m still not convinced she shares the same biological father as Kim and Kourtney. From her amazon-model-height to a certain je ne sais quoi about her, as much as I despise this family, I like her. So in this case the apple falling a little farther from the tree may have been to her advantage!
What I’m trying to say is this: Who do they think they are? Why do they believe they deserve all this fame? And FUCK RYAN SEACREST for Executive Producing the fuck out of them into fame, Fortune, and STARDOM! I think he’s to blame for a lot of this in the first place! This asshole, host of American Idol, even poses with them in their infamous annual Christmas photo.
But if for one minute you think it’s because I’m jealous, you’re dead wrong. I’m simply sick of seeing every one of their footsteps, farts, shits, breaths, coughs, sneezes, and plastic faces plastered everywhere I turn, and then tracked on the media! I’m also sick to death of these asstard designers who fodder them with their wares and throw money at them later for advertising whatever it is they wear for them or do for them.
And then there’s the money they make hand-over-fist for “appearances.” What a load of crap that is. And they get paid for this. As Roseanne Roseannadanna woulda said, “It makes a me sick!”
How does one ever forget the self-proclaimed Lord of the Douchebags, Scott Dismal, er, I mean Di-Sick, oops… there goes my word processor again with a mind of its own. “Scott Disick”. This muntard actually purchased his knighthood off the internet while taking a trip to the U.K. with his unofficial royal family members. Apparently, he paid $197 online to get a document with a unique seal and small certificate to match his penis, a pamphlet on how to use your title to the fullest. (A pamphlet on how to use people not included, but he already has that one. In fact, I believe he wrote it!) And lastly, where Lord Douchey-douche is concerned, he also sought out a ceremony to solidify his title, which probably isn’t typically included in the average internet purchase, while jack-arsing his way around London. Why this Lord of the Douches even tweeted recently, “Guess what? Were fucking famous now! (Kourts words).” He recorded Kourtney while she was driving, although she was obviously being coaxed by him to say it. In the :11 second video he was basically trying to recreate a conversation he just had with her and was trying to get her to say it again so he could record it. What a douche! Consider the following link Lord Douchebag provided on his Twitter account last Friday an early holiday present from yours truly, https://www.keek.com/!rdIEcab. Readers, you’ll be happy to know I sent the newest lord a timely and appropriately “Glinda-esque” tweet to put him in his place.
And now for the newest memba-to-be of the other First Family. Not that I have any respect for kanye West, in fact, I don’t think my computer does either since it didn’t even AutoCorrect his name when I typed it in, and this must really piss his ego off when that happens. I’ll bet he even contacted Microsoft to see if they would do something about it and when they told him “no,” that was the day he stopped smiling.
kanye’s, oops… see I told you so, Kanye’s another piece of shit in his own right. The only place he’s a legend is exactly where you know I’m going to say, “his mind!” Shame on him for beating the crap out of some paparazzi’s equipment. For Chrissake kanye, this is what you signed up for! Just who in the name of Jesus H. Christ does this A-DOUBLE- ASSTARD think he is? Well, you know what they say, “Birds of feather FLUCK together!” CHEEEESE AND RICE! And was this a$$tard Kanye born without the smile muscle or just an extra A$$ muscle? Just sayin’.
All in the name of money, money, money. It seems their leader would rather have money than a normal relationship with her family from the way the “Triple K Threat-to-the-World Girls” have described it on the E! hit show, Keeping Up With The Shmartrashians. Mumsy works all day pimping them out at appearances and God only knows what else and not enough time planning “family time” with them or her pussy-whipped husband, Bruce.
What’s more, that fatherfucker-fucktard of a mother of theirs, the queen leader of them all, has orchestrated the birth of her royal grandchild heir to her thrown on the exact same day as HRH, The Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton! Coincidence? Once again I think not, my darlings. Staged and purposeful, for publicity that will yield the almighty dollar that she will no doubt find a way to conceal from the IRS, probably by passing through a bogus church created by herself or a member of her team in order for their “pledges to the church” to be written-off.
But in the end Kim couldn’t fit her fat ass into regular designer clothes or fake being “normal” any longer and neither could her kid. Either way, her mother’s plot was foiled when Kanye’s spawn arrived early to say, “Hey Bitches, I’m kickin’ myself outta this joint with my mutha’s $6,000 furry bootie heel things she wore at Fashion Week for Daddy’s Show last March 6, 2012!”
So you see, the baby is really for our benefit. They get the money and we get another one of them. OMG!!! DELIVER US FROM EVIL!!! Y-E-S, YOU BETCHA!!! And if that doesn’t drive my point home I don’t know what will. Which leads me to the final point of all, the photo I posted for this piece, what a doozy, huh. FYI: This BITCH OF ALL BITCHES, the bitch that all the other bitches report to, Mama Shmartrashian, had the gall to have the family publicist alert the media as to the release date of their 2010 Family Christmas Card and its importance to the nation. Mind you, this protocol is reserved exclusively for royalty and First Families. Period. Just who the hell do they think they are? Perhaps now you understand my contempt for these holier-than-thou fucktards. When will enough be enough? How about now? Why don’t we all just boycott these asstards and stop watching them?! SHUT THE MUTHAFUCKAS DOWN! And that little assturd Ryan Seacrest, too!
Well that’s all FOR NOW, unless our First Amendment rights, the right speak freely and without censorship, and which is quoted by our government as “Congress shall make no law…abridging freedom of speech,” is stripped away from us once and for all, I say, “THERE WILL BE MORE TO COME.”
Kardashian Family… You’ve been served, GLINDA-STYLE! Bruce, run as fast as you can!
Ta ta for now, my little darlings,
THE RUMOR MILL
Now I heard a rumor some time ago that a church was formed by Mama Bear that is used to donate “money” in the name of “charity” for the purpose of “tax write-offs” for the “Shmartrashian Empire”. Whether or not it’s true and where and how I heard it, I honestly can’t remember. But I’ll tell you this… I honestly wouldn’t put it past her. After all, she did get in touch with an old flame while married to Bruce Jenner, also known as Mr. Kris Jenner, so you do the math. What do you think?