What’s your name and from where are you calling?

My Darling Fans,

Yes, it’s been a while and I’ve missed you terribly but I’ll address that issue in another post. Let’s dive right into this headline. Albeit too brief for this queen, be it known from sea to shining sea as I sat in my living room and daintily sipped on a green apple martini, I chatted it up with the closest thing to America’s royalty this country will ever see apart from the Kennedy’s . . . Sonja Morgan! So take that, LuAnn de Lesseps. 😛

Yes ladies and gentlemen, girls and boiz, and those somewhere in between — I had a thrush with fame. That’s right, I said “thrush,” meaning to say I made Andy Cohen, Sonja Morgan, and David Alan Grier all blush in nearly one fell swoop of a single phone call and you can watch it for yourselves.

It was almost too much for this comedian and blogger to bare. But this delightfully memorable experience came with both victory and defeat. Though I was able to ask a question and get my comments in to these three divine dignitaries of showtime, the show was running long and most of the answer to my question from Sonja plus my final comment for her were cut from the show.

The problem being, I waited to call into the show a little too long which put me into the After Hours Show and and in addition to that made me the last caller. So for those of you desiring to chat on-air with your favorite personalities, persevere and get those fingers dialing fast and early, a little ahead of everyone else, and keep trying. Oh, and call in favors if you know anyone at the studio. That last one works best! But you know what they say, “Better to be have gotten on the show and cut-off near the end than bumped.” (That’s show biz talk!) You can hear and see a lot of my conversation with Andy, Sonja, and David except for what didn’t make it, so here’s what ya missed . . .

After the introduction was made along with a bit of shmoozing it up with Andy, Sonja and David, I got down to the meat of my call. Inquiring minds want to know and this barely accredited journalist wants to give them the answer: Is LuAnn the puppet master behind a lot of the drama that occurs between the women because from what I gather and other devoted viewers of the inner Real Housewives Sanctum, she’s often setting the scene for havoc between friends then stepping back to watch her masterpiece unfold from the wings. Frankly, she’s transparent and I’m not speaking from just the way the series is filmed, so she can’t even use that as an excuse. She really seems to get a sadistic kick from creating such chaos.

So the ever most gracious Sonja answered my question by saying LuAnn does indeed have a way of playing puppet master and referred to the trip the girls took together at St. Barths. It was hard to hear what Andy was saying but I believe he mentioned something about the current season, at which point I was trying to interject a point about a scene in another episode that recently aired and took place at LuAnn’s house in the Hampton’s. LuAnn conveniently assembled New York’s Page 6ers for a Sunday Brunch and another opportunity to go into the lioness den. And don’t think for one moment she didn’t know what she was doing when we watched her innocently invite the now-infamous-troublemaker-image-consultant, Amanda Sanders. And let’s not forget how she had a little something to do with what went down between Jill Zarin and Bethenny Frankel and their ultimate demise as she perched herself from the rafters. Coincidence. “Let’s go back to the video tape,” as they say. You will rarely find me defending the likes of Jill Zarin but on this occasion it’s called for. I would certainly give Jill water and protect her from harm by the vultures unlike Susan who couldn’t offer as much to Kelly on Survivor: Borneo, Season 1. That’s just too mean. I can’t say the same for Mrs. de Lesseps.

And then I was rushed by Andy to wrap it up as I’m sure he had someone in his ear telling him to do the same when I got my last comment in about the LuAnn letting go of The Countess title. With all due respect to Sonja and Andy and before my time with them ended, I’ll say they did their best to patronize her not-so-royal lowness but this queen’s not falling for it. Andy and Sonja both mentioned something about maintaining the title out of respect for her and her children but to me that’s about as meaningful as an ashtray on a motorcycle. It’s likely she insisted on the title to feed her narcissism or possible NPD.

And on the off chance you’ve stopped by to read my page LuAnn, (yeah, I’m talkin’ to you FORMER CUNTESS Lu Lu de Lesseps nee Nadeau of the Berlin, NY Nadeau’s) and has-been model and kinda sorta self-professed nurse as seen in last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New York on Bravo TV: I believe you’re a mother who was a model that did what again after nursing decades ago who is a year away from her FIFTIETH birthday.

In all actuality, fans of the RHONY franchise wonder if she’s still even licensed at all. If you’ve ever read some of my chimes at the girl’s blogs at BRAVO.com throughout the seasons then you’re aware of who’s under my microscope. Since we first met the Vicki and her gals of Orange County back in March 2006 and to the casts that have come and gone and to those that my crystal ball tell me are about to go again, I’m fairly certain wannabe royal Lu Lu, never renewed her certification and/or earned any continuing education credits (if they are required by New York State for maintaining her certification) over the three decades since she last used her practical nursing certification.

Yes, that’s right Mrs. de Lesseps . . . consider yourself fortunate I misspelled the word and more accurately described you because you’re NOT a countess and you NEVER will be again unless you marry a count. Do I make myself perfectly clear, Lu Lu? No one wants to hear your silly nonsense about retaining the title from the marriage because you’re the mother of a count’s children. NO ONE. PERIOD. IT’S NOT YOURS TO KEEP. Princess Diana did not get to keep hers. It’s not in keeping with tradition and if you’re in the know of all things etiquette, then you of all people should know. NOW, QUIT YOUR WHINING AND SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT ONCE AND FOR ALL! GET IT . . . GOT IT . . . GOOD! And speaking of good, “GOOD RIDDANCE, LUANN, YOU NO LONGER HAVE ANY POWER HERE. BE GONE, BEFORE SOMEBODY DROPS A HOUSE ON YOU, TOO.”

I guess sometimes it’s just nice to own your own blog and be able to say what’s on your mind without the threat of feeling sensorship. For example, even though we live in the USA, this letter would never fly at any of the housewives’ blogs because none of the ladies would dare to let me share it with their readers’. But then again, if this was the Househusbands of New York, it might stand a chance. Let’s face it, men can take it and women cannot. We’re just wired differently and that’s okay. I’m not saying one is better or the other is wrong. Unless you’re gay. Then, of course, everything’s just right, lol! All I meant to say in paragraph was I can say what I want to say and not even LuAnn can stop me here so, “BITE ME, CUNTESS!” I’ll give her that.

And on a few final notes, perhaps Andy said something on this episode of WWHL that made sense to me and clicked with something inside me; something that America and other countries who thrive on reality shows like Real Housewives feed off of. Whether it’s good, bad or indifferent, it’s today’s trend and it’s art imitating life and often these characters imitate our own lives.

For some people, we are relieved to see we live parallel lives in different universes and for others we’re completely relieved to escape our own emotional universes to take a ride on the Romonacoaster. Watch the New York franchise of Real Housewives on Tuesdays on BRAVO 9/8c. For local listings go to bravotv.com. To hear my chat with Andy, Sonja, and David right now you can click on the headline above this post, What’s your name and from where are you calling? or follow this link http://www.bravotv.com/watch-what-happens-live/season-11/videos/after-show-luann-the-troublemaker. Both links are live and will take you directly to the video. To view all the segments of the May 6th After Show with Andy and his guests, just go to bravotv.com.

My thanks to the man with sexiest voice and host with the most, Andy Cohen, the other divine Miss M., that’s Sonja Morgan from RHONY of course, and film and TV star, the incomparable funny man himself, David Alan Grier. (Bette will be okay. I’m sure she’s not offended. Only God makes the rules and the rest of us should consider us grateful to wake up each day healthy enough to follow them.)

Enjoy and ta ta for now, my Sweetums,

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